BAD REVIEW: Lilly and My Trans Experience.

I have no idea how to start this. I have two options so I will just do both

“Wow, another blog post about Lily’s transgender ideitendy, VERY ORIGINAL, Way To Flex Those Creative Muscles Ani. You are only, what 2 years late to this discussion.”

Uhh ya, and you know what it been a long couple of years for me, and like I turned into one of those people with a laundry list of stuff that jerks can make fun of me for. The first is that I am an adult who enjoys Japanise animated series, The second is that I am trans which gave me a lot of stuff to worry about but it also gave me a reason to celebrate Pride this month which prompted me to write this. This is probably one on my most vulnerable post where I talk a lot about my identity so this will be a mix of personal accounts and feelings along with an analysis of Lilly’s arch in this episode. 

PROTEC

Also, I just remembered that my parents might read this because I introduced them to my website a while ago so mom’s dad if your reading this the phase didn’t stop and I hope you read this so you can understand how I feel. Love you both. 

Lilly always identified and dressed as a girl or at least as Lilly who was more feminine – she definitely did not identify with being masculine nor did she want to become masculine

The shock of discovering that her body was changing to a more masculine form is what triggers her dysphoria which leads her to hid in her room away from a show’s production.

We find out specifically that she found some leg heir and what leads to her early death is the discovery of facial hair. At this moment Lilly comes to the realization that she is going to develop into a male body. 

Now while this may be a common experience for young trans individuals who realized they were trans at a very young age I thankfully did not go through this trama. 

Imagine that your body is going to transform into something you can’t even recognize that every day you see a part of you that is well not you.

I am still discovering my identity but one thing that I do know is that I am not male, nor was I ever male. I never rely related to anyone of male gender nor did I related to those of the female gender. I guess my childhood was mostly this fog of never really having an idea of who I was but I did now that how people saw me was not true. 

My life was nothing but a farce

I mean I had all the typical markers of childhood dysphoria, I hated taking off my shirt around other people, I hated the boy’s locker rooms, and I wanted all biological signifies of a male body to be removed. Like facial hair gosh do I hate my facial hair. 

But anyway unlock Lilly I had to brake though  shell of denial that kept me from being who I was 

Lilly’s death can be interpreted as the death of her old self and her old name. I mean trans people refer to their old name as their deadname for a reason. 

I’m in a situation where my old self is still alive and kicking in the sense that I need to stay in the closet and act out a person that I am not in order to well live my daily life without constant conflict. But I guess in a sense I am trying to get rid of who I was so I can live as who I want to be.

Part of the episode is Lilly coming to terms with the loss of her relationship with her father. This can be a common experience among trans people, as their parents or family may not be accepting of their identity and transition. Lilly Loses her father after she died but finds a new group of friends that she identifies with. The loss still hurts but she had people around her to help her heal. 

There was a point in my life where I realized deciding to transition might mean the loss of family members that love me. Yet when thinking about it I realized that if they really loved me for who I am then they should be accepting of my transition. If they aren’t accepting and refuse to love me because of my trans identity then in reality they only loved what I was presenting to them and not who I actually was. This relates back to Lilly’s experience with her father. 

It got to the point in Lilly’s relationship with her father where Lilly’s dad seemed more in love with the tv presentation of Lilly rather than who she actually was. This was depicted in one of the flashback scenes where Lilly’s father was only interested in Lilly on the television rather than his child that was right next to him. In this sense, Lilly’s father was only in love with her presentation and not who she actually was.

But enough about all the struggles that come with transitioning and the loss of family because if transitioning was all bad then who would actually transition. The episode of Zombieland Saga gives us some positive notes to leave on about why transitioning is beneficial. 

For one Lilly is more true to her self, she feels like she is who she truly is and is authentically Lilly. In this sense, she is free to live out her life without the burden of being in a body she doesn’t identify with. Not to mention she also obtained a group of people who accepted her for who she is.

So like ya being yourself is hard, it can be painful, and you can lose people who won’t accept you. But it is worth it.

Keep up the good fight

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